I enjoyed reading this story, and I would definitely use this in one of my games. It is rare for me to use a prepared story as it is written, normally preferring to chop bits out or add bits in to fit "my style" of playing. This story would need no such modification.
I really appreciated the focus on normal people in normal situations. Mage can be about very magical, wondrous topics, but there really needs to be room for personal and relatable stories we can all identify with. This story provides exactly that. The characters are all believable, the situation does not break suspension of disbelief (I know...this is Mage, but some scenarios can be pretty "out there"), and it can be used to remind players about consequences of their characters' actions.
On another note, I am also creating some Community Content for Mage. I bought this to get another author's take on structuring a Mage story and its many components. I was not disappointed in this aspect, either. Surely, this will serve as a bit of inspiration. Satisfying stories do not always need complex plots, impossible mystery, and so on. This product proves a simple story with heart is still a very good story.